Peanut M&Ms

Today hasn’t been a good day.

But,  let’s rewind to yesterday when I had to take my wife to the ER. She was having chest pains and shortness of breath,  so we loaded up and went to the hospital at 3am. Turns out that it wasn’t any kind of cardiac event or anything with her asthma, but probably something with her esophagus or her muscles in her chest. My anxiety was a little up yesterday, to say the least.

Today was my mom’s 1 year checkup for her bladder cancer. Her cancer is in-operable because of her shitty kidneys, diabetes, and the billion other health problems she has. So, her Urologist checks on her bladder and sees if they can shave off any more of the tumor and if it has spread to anywhere else or moved to a different stage. Believe it or not,  I had a full nights sleep and woke up to head out to meet her at the doctor’s office. When I get to the hospital where the office is located,  the road is blocked. So,  I drive around trying to find a way to get to the garage.

There’s not one.

I drive around,  now late,  frustrated, and annoyed because Google Maps is telling me to go through the road that is blocked, and the signs at the hospital don’t tell me anything about an alternative route. Finally it happens,  the annoyance and frustration turn to panic and my anxiety skyrocketed. Now I am behind the wheel and having a panic attack.

I pull over and breathe. I try to get control, but it isn’t working. I tell my phone to call my wife, who is still recovering, and it’s not working. Now I am almost in tears,  screaming at Google Now to call my wife. I finally calm down enough to make the call and I finally just tell her that I am coming home. I will do damage control later, but fuck it I can’t do this.

I start the drive home,  with the AC on and the windows down in 35 degree weather,  smoking a cigarette and trying to collect myself. I call the wife (without yelling at my cell phone) and pick up some Whataburger and then I stop and get the one thing that I have to have when I start to get depressed. I pull into the neighborhood Race Trac and buy the biggest bag of peanut M&Ms that they have.

This goes back to my first dealing with the depression side of Bipolar disorder. I have no idea why,  but when I start feeling depressed,  I crave the damn things. I don’t eat them any other time; (I actually prefer either the peanut butter ones,  or Reese’s Pieces when it comes to sugar shelled candy dots.) however when I start sinking,  they are my go to.

So,  now the anxiety is mostly over and I am sitting here feeling like a failure and a shitty son with a bag of peanut M&Ms at my side like an old friend.

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