Let me put this out there; I am a fat guy. A big man, a giant, a big fat dude, tons of fun…etc. I have never been ashamed of this, I have been aware of it but never ashamed of it. I have actually shamed people for calling me fat to the point where they felt like shit and actually left establishments because of the verbal lashing that they received. I have never been ashamed of being fat, until today.
I went to my exam for my disability claim. Mind you, my claim is for my anxiety and bipolar disorder. I put obesity and another condition that I have called Lymphatic Edema on the paperwork because it asked for any other physical issues. This exam was for my obesity and edema. I met with this doctor (who’s office was so sketchy I honestly felt like I was walking into some kind of prank video, computers and monitors arranged like work stations, but there was no keyboard or mouse and they were not plugged in or wired together) and he asked me to walk on my heels, my tip toes, & then heel to toe. We then went into the examination room and the interrogation about my health, my mother’s health, my grandparent’s health, my dog’s health started.
(Oh yeah, I skipped my clonezapam does this morning because I didn’t want to go into this buzzed and or high. So, I was un-medicated and my anxiety was flaring.)
Then, it was take off you pants time! I undressed and hopped on the table (I also accidently farted, just FYI). He did what I can only describe as a forensics style exam as he was using Dragon Talk to enter in all of his notes the whole time while man handling me like a corpse. He moved my arms and legs and measured my range of motion. He listened to my heart and lungs. He checked all kinds of shit and didn’t really have anything positive to say about it. He told me to get dressed, and that I was free to go.
Now, here’s the thing, like I said I have always been aware that I was fat. I knew that I wasn’t going to be a track star or the next [anything sports] star; however I knew what I was good at and that’s where I focused my attention. Today though, made me super aware of just how bad shit is and hearing it, seeing it in black & white has made me ashamed. My awareness has become shame and I am not sure what to do with that. I can feel the depression sinking in, but I know that it is just lies and that being down wont help. I have an exercise plan, but no motivation. Even after seeing this today, I still have no motivation and that just adds to the depression and to the shame.
I know it’s time to rally, but I just don’t have it in me today.