Today my friends are having a Superbowl party at their new house. I knew about it in advance, and with my Clonazepam I felt like it wouldn’t be an issue to attend. I have been looking forward to seeing people all week. To the hugs, the smiling faces and slapping one particular person on her ass; however I am sitting here on my couch while everyone is attending the party.
It wasn’t my anxiety this time. I hadn’t been sleeping well and forgot to take my medication. I finally found some sleep, woke up with a blinding headache, popped my pills and went back to sleep. I slept for about 5-6 hours and took another Clonazepam. I then caught my high, I kept getting sleepy and just blacking out. By this time it was about 4:30pm. I texted my wife and told her what was going on and how I felt like a failure. Of course she supported me and told me that everyone would understand. I just broke down in tears. I am tired of people understanding, I just want people to see me show up to a place and be happy that I am there. It’s funny, the introvert wants to be around people.
Now, I am sitting here depressed, typing this out on my mobile phone. Dealing with these horrible thoughts that it brings, knowing that depression lies, and I am still fighting for the energy to get up and go to this party. Because I want to see my friends, to get those hugs and to slap that one particular person on her ass; however as I look at the clock, I see my window of opportunity closing. I guess I am fighting the clock as well as my monsters with this. I am just not ready to call out for a bag of peanut M&Ms just yet.
I know everyone will understand. I just wish that I could.