So, here I am again. I have a social thing that I am supposed to be at and I am having the “freeze” issue. I hate this. I want to go see my friends. I want to go be social, but the idea of being around people is also disturbing. Even with the clonazepam in my system, and doing some breathing exercises, I am still slow going at getting ready to go. I was supposed to be there between 5:30 or 6pm and it’s now 5:20pm. I need to get in the shower and get dressed, but it’s like I am fighting myself to do so.
I hate this.
So, I thought maybe one more cigarette and posting about this would help me get this out of my system. I am hoping that if I am going to delay myself, then I may as well create something. Maybe by typing this out and seeing it in black & white, I will see that this is not logical and will get motivated to get in the shower and get dressed instead of dreading it. As I light my cigarette and continue to type, I don’t feel any better. I don’t feel motivated. I feel that I am just procrastinating even more and that I am just delaying myself by typing this post.
I hate this.
As I take another drag from my cigarette, and as I think more and more about what I am typing out, I feel that I am gaining the momentum to go and get ready. I want to get in the shower, I want to get dressed and I want to get in the car and go. When I am done with this cigarette that is exactly what I am going to do. Of course I say this exact speech a lot, but I never have typed it out before. Now I feel accountable to actually do it. I feel that even if only one person reads this post, I owe it to myself and that reader to get up off my ass and get ready to go. To go spend time with my friends. To actually follow through with it.
I am almost done with my cigarette and it is time to finish up here and start getting ready.
It’s 5:37pm & I have places to be.