So yesterday I was in the middle of putting together a post about how people lump mental illness and mentally challenged together and how this is wrong. I don’t want to talk about this today though. I want to tell you what happened to me yesterday and what I did. I will warn you now, it’s violent and not pretty.
I want to also mention that I don’t want to write this post. I have discussed this with my therapist and I have talked about it with my wife; however I feel that I need to journal it. Not as a confession, but more as documentation.
I may have posted previously that my youngest Yorkie, River, had chewed up my Bluetooth earpiece. I had disciplined her and when the new one arrived, she actually ran from it. So, I felt that I had taught her to stay away from it.
Yesterday, I was in the back putting together the post that I mentioned above. I had been making calls earlier and I remembered that I may have left my earpiece on the couch. So, I walked up front and there she was chewing like it was one of her toys.
I fucking snapped.
All I remember is chasing her down and spanking her while shouting “g-d damn dog” repeatedly and then I grabbed her by the neck and started yelling at her and that’s when it hit me, I was strangling my dog. I dropped her in horror and she ran to the bed room.
I then broke down into sobbing tears. I sat on my couch horrified about what just happened,confused about what just happened,and I was terrified of what I had done.
I then started thinking about hurting myself,cutting my skin, taking the kettle bell and crushing my feet and hands. I had thoughts about killing myself with my meds, the knives in kitchen, or finding someway else to do it. I kept getting angry, and then I would start sobbing again, I would want to destroy something, then I would want to just crumble into depression. I was rapid cycling and I was scared shitless of myself.
I called my wife and asked her to come home. She came home and I asked her to make sure River was OK. She did and assured me that she was fine. River came out and started playing like nothing ever happened. I just started crying again. My wife took me to bed, I took a Xanax and went to sleep.
That night I went to my therapist and told him what happened. I just knew that I was going to be told to go in-patient; however my therapist told me that I didn’t follow through with anything and that the thoughts were just racing thoughts that were part of the episode.
We talked about how my life is changing and that could have been what caused the episode.
I haven’t had an episode like that in years, several years. It frightened me that I am capable of doing things like that. I have been torturing myself with “What If’s” and by replaying the whole thing in my head. I see my new psychiatrist next week and I plan on bringing this up to him. Just to see if my meds need to be changed or something. I am still afraid that I will be sent to an in-patient facility; however if that happens, I will just deal with it. Maybe it will be for the best.
River and I have mended fences and we are OK. I am now adamant about placing my earpiece out of her reach and if I forget; then that is on me.
I hate that this happened. I can’t take it back.
I just have to move forward from here.