Beware of Old Man Starkey

I had an old man moment today.

There was a knock at the door. So, I check the security camera and I see this kid at my door. I yell just a minute and put on pants. More knocking, more yelling, me yelling at dogs to get away from the door, and finally I open the door to one confused looking kid.

Now, before I go any further, let me describe my front door or better yet, what is on it.

I have this sign on a 8″x6″ card placed at eye level, printed in various fonts and colors and in bold. The only way to miss this sign is to:

  1. Be blind
  2. Completely ignore it
  3. Feel like an entitled shit and feel like signs don’t apply to you.

My sign reads:

No Soliciting (This is in 3″ bold print)

This includes religious solicitation. (This is in 1/2″ bold under it)

We are not interested in helping you win a trip by subscribing to magazines, we already have a security system (you’re on camera by the way), We are happy with our Cable/Internet provider, We know who we are voting for, We already have someone that mows the lawn, and We don’t want your menu or coupons on our door.

Seriously, We don’t Want Any. (1 ” bold)

EXCEPTION: If you are a child selling candy for school or camp or a Girl Scout selling cookies. Then ring the bell or knock, we will usually be making a purchase.

Now, for redundancy, I also have this door mat:


So, this ballsy little bundle of America’s future asks me if I want my yard mowed; despite my sign and door mat. Now, I haven’t been able to get in touch with my regular lawn guy for a couple of weeks, so it may be this kid’s lucky day. I step outside to see this kids equipment. All he has is a push mower. I also notice that the ground is wet, it’s cloudy, and that it is currently drizzling. I ask how much and he shoots me a price of $15. I tell him that I need the yard mowed, but not today. It’s been raining and it’s probably going to start raining again soon, but come talk to me later about mowing the yard.

He looks at me all sad and says OK and I go back inside to continue to binge watch the new season of Daredevil. About half a episode later I hear a lawn mower. I saw that the kid was talking to the neighbors and maybe he was mowing their yard. Then I hear the mower REALLY close by my front door. I pause Netflix and go look outside. To my shock this little jerk is mowing the damn yard. Because I do not have a high emotional IQ, and I do not handle children well, I called the wife and ask her what I should do. She gives me some ideas and I form a game plan to go and gently confront this dim-witted  tween aged crotch fruit.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I am sick? Like spring allergies brought on a sinus infection sick? Yeah, so I feel like warmed over death served on steamed ass.

So, this kid of course is now the farthest point from the front door and I have to yell. I finally get his attention and ask him what is he doing?

Kid: **confused look**

ME: Remember when I said: “Not Today, it’s been raining and to check back some other time”?

Kid: **Confused Look Intensifies**

ME: Hello? Are you hearing me?

Kid: Yeah.

ME: **confused look**

Kid: So…you don’t want your yard mowed?

Me: **pinches bridge of nose** No. I already told you not today.

Kid: **drags lawn mower into street with sad look on his face**

So, now I have a half-mowed lawn and I doubt these little brain-dead jerk-offs are coming back. When my wife came home I told her this story and she then just looked at me and smiled and summed up the whole thing.

Baby, kids are stupid and don’t understand.

I thought about this and remembered that the human brain is in development until the age of 23. So, from this point forward when children that are not selling candy come to my door I will just refer them to the mat.

Just to keep it simple for their developing brains.


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