If you can’t say something nice…

I was going through the multiverse that is Twitter when I saw that my friend Jamie had posted something on her site titled “AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MEANEST, NASTIEST MOMS ON THE INTERNET“.  I enjoy what she writes so I gave it a read and one line from her post hit me like a punch in the chest.

…and most of all, I want to cry for the mom that never will be, but had one particularly terrible commenter tell her that if God had wanted her to have children, he wouldn’t keep making her miscarry.

This hit me because I lived this. I actually went through what this sub-human dick wagon typed out on their keyboard to another person from behind their TCP/IP connection in the comfort of their couch, or other seating, like the spineless waste or air that they are.

But, back on topic.

Back in the day when I was still involved with the church and still felt called to ministry, my wife and I were trying to have a baby. For years we tried and we kept losing the pregnancy. Usually the miscarriage would happen in the first 2 weeks after my wife was late and/or we got that faint little line on the pregnancy test. We didn’t let it get to us (much) because we had faith that g-d would see to it and bless us with a beautiful, healthy child that everyone would adore when he saw fit. Finally after years of faint lines and early miscarriages, we had a solid line. I didn’t believe it, my wife didn’t believe it, so we went to the local drug store and bought every pregnancy test known to man. The wife drank a ton of water and pee’d all over everything we just spent an ass ton of money on. We lined all of the pregnancy tests up like a fleet of battleships on the coffee table and stared. Soon, we had lines, one said “pregnant” in digital text and I think one made a noise! Holy shit, I was going to be a Dad! However, we didn’t want to get too excited, we made an appointment with her OBGYN to do a blood test. A few days later:

We were confirmed that we were pregnant! She was about 2 months along and it was all of our dreams come true. Now, they said to wait until you are like 4  months along before you tell anyone, but fuck that WE TOLD EVERYONE! People lost their fucking minds! All of our friends were appointing themselves “Uncles” and “Aunties”. Parents were going to be grandparent and they were thrilled! Actual brothers and sister were going to be uncles & aunts. Cousins were going to have a new cousin! People were buying gifts for the baby, buying booze and cigars for the soon-to-be dad and it was all just amazing! Touchdown! We finally fucking did it! WE WERE HAVING A BABY!

About two weeks later my wife started spotting and having cramps. OBGYN said that can be normal, but if it get’s really bad to get to an ER ASAP. The bleeding and the cramps got worse into the night and we went to the closest ER. The doctor told us that things weren’t looking good for the baby and that if that a certain level of something went below X then the pregnancy was self-terminating. He prescribed some pills or something and said to come back in 48 hours to re-draw labs. The cramps got worse and there was more bleeding. We went back two days later and found out that we lost the baby. Now, we had to go home and wait for “the process” to finish. I went to get my wife her new prescriptions of pain killers and whatever else he prescribed.

We then had to tell everyone that they were not going to be grandmothers, grandfathers, uncles, aunts, cousins, and that we were not going to have an adorable child for them to see and hold. I remember people immediately talking to us about g-d’s plan, and adoption, foster parenting, in vitro; hell I even contemplated buying a kid (no I am not joking). I still held onto g-d’s plan, and the scripture:

Matthew 7:8-11

8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

When we looked into in vitro the cost to success ratio was just not rational and our insurance only covered part of it and only so many attempts. We had friends that volunteered to be surrogates, but that wasn’t covered by our insurance. We looked into adoption, but as soon as mental illness was mentioned in both parents that conversation was over. We had a teenage family member get pregnant and she thought about giving the baby up for adoption. We talked to her about letting us have it and doing a private adoption, but the baby-daddy changed his mind and wanted to be a father. So, that option was closed (even though I had a plan to “make” him change his mind back. I was a bit manic at the time). We thought about fostering, but to get attached and then have these kids adopted out, moved around and taken away just wasn’t something we were interested in.  So, we gave up. After a year of keeping this bottled up and just keeping in with g-d’s plan, I had a plan to commit suicide and went into an in-patient facility. We were asked to write letters to what/who we were angry at and I wrote one to g-d. It was about 10 pages long. That’s when I first realized that there is no plan. That this scripture that I hung onto as truth, as a promise, was a lie. I had knocked, and the doors were slammed in my face. I had sought and found only sorrow. I had asked for years and received nothing but a cruel joke. I had been given a stone, and a snake and I was done with that shit.

It was that day that I decided to “kick the opium habit” and leave g-d, the church and false promises and hope behind me.

 

I too would want to cry for this person. This mother that will never be that has had to read this comment from some foolish, thoughtless, bible thumping cunt. I would cry and then I would get angry. Then I would be making a comment of my own that would probably not get approved by the moderator.

 

I feel sorry for this mother that will never be, because I am a dad that will never be and I get it.

 

 

 

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