Today has been a fun-filled day. I have been adding numbers to my call-block list on our home phone that has been ringing all morning with robocalls (Thanks National Do Not Call List) and to top it all off I had a lovely chat with a woman named Aniyah (Ah-Nee-Ya) from the United Collections Bureau (UCB) assumably regarding a credit card of my mother’s that is apparently in collections. I told her that my mother does not live here and that I was her son and power of attorney (which I am…well both, I am her son as well…fuck it, you know what I am talking about) and asked how I could help. I was then told that I would have to fax in a copy of the POA before she could speak to me. Then I decided to be nice. Yeah you read that right, I decided to be nice.
ME: OK, I can do that; however I can probably save us both some time and just be honest with you.
HER: Oh, alright.
ME: I can probably safely assume that this is a debt collection call since you mentioned that this is regarding a financial matter. My mother is on Medicaid, in a nursing home with inoperable terminal cancer. She has no money, and whatever this debt is for is never going to get paid. She has no money so I would suggest writing it off.
HER: OK, wow that’s terrible to hear, but I have to have that POA or her authorization to speak to you about this; however I will notate the account.
ME: OK, that sounds like a good idea.
HER: Did you want the fax number to send us the POA?
Now I thought that Aniyah and I had come to a resolution here, but apparently we had not. So, at this point I was no longer being nice, but going to start being “charming” (by charming, I mean socially manipulative and get information out of her).
ME: OK, let me get a pen and paper real quick.
OK, what’s that number?
Aniyah now fumbles about for a few minutes and eventually comes back with a mailing address for Chase Card Services Correspondence Service in Delaware. So, this just confirmed that this call is regarding a Chase card that she had previously. Thanks Aniyah!
Me: Um… OK. So, I thought I was faxing this in?
HER: Oh, that’s right you wanted to fax that in! I am so sorry let me look up that number.
Aniyah now fumbles again for a few minutes and eventually comes back with a fax number for UCB and provides her direct extension so that I can call her back to continue this conversation. This let’s me know that this call center probably on has one number dedicated to this account. Thanks again, Aniyah!
ME: OK, just to reiterate, I will fax this in at my convenience; however I can send you a thousand of these and that will not change the information that I have already given you, nor the fact that this debt is never getting paid.
HER: I understand, but I cannot talk to you further until I have that POA.
ME: OK, as soon as I can, I will send it to you.
HER: OK, you have a great day Mr. Starkey
ME: You do the same.
Yeah, I am never sending in my copy of my POA. It doesn’t change anything that was already stated during this call and is a waste of my time to just repeat myself to them on another call with the added bonus of paperwork that they honestly do not need. Blocking a number and making sure that I am not harassed again is way easier and a more satisfactory solution. If she wasn’t bullshitting, the account should reflect that it isn’t getting paid and that it needs to be written off. My mother has cancer (And I found out yesterday is losing her eyesight as well) is on Medicaid and in a nursing home. She could give fuck-all about her credit rating at the moment.
I am thinking about just leaving the fax machine plugged in full time from now on. That’s always a pleasant sound to hear when it answers the line.
Especially when you are wearing a headset.
(Trust me I know)