Before I go into this I want to start by saying that when I came up with this brilliant idea that I was:
- Not Drunk.
- Not High.
- On my medication and of a sound mind.
Now that I have established this, I can tell you that I have…
SOLVED AMERICA’S GUN PROBLEM!
Yep, I have the solution to the ongoing gun violence that is plaguing our country!
Now just hear me out.
My mom was a cop and I grew up in a police station. I learned two things by hanging around cops a lot.
- Thieves always rob your house during the day (good ones anyway)
- The best gun to have for home defense is a shotgun.
The reason why any smart cop or gun dealer will tell you to buy a pump-action shotgun for home defence is this: Once you rack in a shell and make that “click-clack” noise, no one usually sticks around for the next noise that happens. Also, shotguns fire multiple fragments (shot) instead of one small bullet so they have a greater chance of hitting the target; however that 1st noise usually does the trick in making your intruder run away.
So, why do we have all of these unsafe “assault weapons” all about? The U.S. Government should launch a mandatory weapons buyback program of all weapons currently owned by civilians. In exchange you will issued you own government certified home and personal defence shotgun starter kit! That’s right! We should have the US Government buy back all the guns from civilians at a reasonable market value and in exchange they will receive (pending a background check, psychological evaluation, gun skill assessment check and a weapons education class) the following:
1 Federally registered Mossberg 590A1 Tactical Tri-Rail Shotgun
1 locking case for weapon storage.
1 cleaning kit.
1 case of 50 #00 12 guage shotgun shells.
1 1lb block of USDA government issued cheese.
Now here are some things to mention regarding this new program:
- You do not have to have any weapons to sell back to opt in to the program. All U.S. Citizens and Legal Residents are eligible (So, the NRA WINS! MORE GUNS!).
- You do not have to Opt In. Citizens that Opt Out will be registered on the “OPT OUT” list and will receive a $2000.00 tax credit in lieu of receiving the starter kit. People who Opt Out can not Opt In at a later date. If a citizen has Opted In and later decides to Opt Out, they do not receive the $2000.00 tax credit and must return ALL ITEMS that were in their Starter Kit in working, non-modified, order or pay fees and charges (See below).
- All other guns other than your government issued shotgun are now illegal. Manufacturing or sales of any firearm in the US or it’s territories is now illegal.
- Manufacturing any other ammunition other than ammunition that is compatible for your government issued shotgun is illegal unless you are authorized by the U.S. Federal Government.
- Any crime (felony) committed by you, or by you with your shotgun, will result in the forfeiture of your right to possess your issued firearm indefinitely. You must return ALL ITEMS that were in their Starter Kit in working, non-modified, order or pay fees and charges (See Below).
- Charges for damaged or modified items will be assessed at the time or repossession by a certified technician. Restocking fees and non-returned items fees are as follows:
1 Federally registered Mossberg 590A1 Tactical Tri-Rail Shotgun = $1000.00 + $400 restocking fee = $1400.00
1 locking case for weapon storage. $300 + $120 Restocking Fee = $420.00
1 cleaning kit. $50 + $2.00 Restocking Fee = $52.00
1 case of 50 #00 12 guage shotgun shells. $100 + $40 Restocking Fee = $40*
1 1lb block of USDA government issued cheese. $17.00 (restocking fee waived, no proration given for partial blocks of cheese)
(*Restocking Fee and Cost will be prorated for partial boxes of ammo returned. All costs and fees subject to change without notice.)
As stated: “Any crime (felony) committed by you, or by you with your shotgun, will result in the forfeiture of your right to possess your issued firearm indefinitely”. This is a zero-tolerance policy and will go into effect upon indictment. You will be also subject to any punishments that the courts inflict upon you if you are found guilty and any further fees or damages will be your responsibility to pay. If you are proven innocent of the crime you status to carry your issued weapon will be reinstated as soon as possible and item costs will be refunded. We will not refund restocking fees.
It is also of note that any crime committed with a non-issued firearm, or an issued firearm that is not registered to you, is subject to an automatic life sentence without parole in Federal Prison if found guilty. You will still be responsible for the costs of forfeiting your starter kit. Shootings involving your issued firearm in the case of self defense or protection of your home will only result in the temporary freeze of your status while an investigation is done by local authorities and once it is concluded your status will be reinstated.
- US Citizen or Legal Resident
- Age 21 or older
- Must undergo Federal Background Check (Including but not limited to criminal history).
- Must submit to a psychological evaluation session.
- Must show proficiency with the Mossberg 590A1 Tactical Tri-Rail Shotgun (classes will be available to those who do not show proficiency at an out of pocket cost)
- Must take a mandatory 3 day weapons safety class.
So, there you have it! My solution for the gun problem in America! We go with the wise words of the police that I grew up with and of Vice President Joe Biden and “just go get a shotgun”. Everyone gets to get a gun, so the 2nd amendment is intact; however if you fuck up, you pay out the nose and lose your right to have a gun. You have to qualify for the program, so even if you sell all of your guns back to the government, you can still not qualify for the program and thus, we have eliminated a person that shouldn’t have had a gun (or guns) in the first place. So, this creates an effective background check system. If and when people do have to forfeit or they choose to opt-out, the fees that will be charged will generate revenue for public spending programs. You can’t lose with this!
Now, you may be asking “But why the cheese? ” and that’s the best part of this program. It’s the cherry on top of the sundae! Some people will look at this package and turn their nose up at it…until they see that it includes that block of cheese.
If you have never been poor, then you have missed out on this. This stuff makes the best goddamned grilled cheese sandwiches ever. It is AMAZING and is the lure in this whole plan. Even if you have never been poor and have been living the good life since birth, who doesn’t like cheese? So, when people sign up for this program they will eat this cheese or throw it out. If they have to forfeit or opt-out they have to return everything in the starterkit, even the cheese. So, even f they have everything else and it’s in excellent shape, the Federal Government would still get at least $17 off of them even if they returned a partial block. The cheese is the guaranteed money maker in this entire plan.
I’m telling you, if they offered some legislation that involved cheese, it would sail through with no problems.
Unless you’re lactose intolerant, but we will work on that.