Hell is:

Sitting and waiting.

These are two things that I hate fucking doing.

I spoke with my case worker today and the short and long of it is, more than likely all of the past hospitalizations that I had and all of my previous doctors and therapists are not going to be looked at because more than likely they have not kept records and the Social Security Administration is looking at current information only.

So, I updated the caseworker on my latest information and we are filing an appeal. More sitting and more waiting.

At this point, I feel myself just breaking inside. I have entertained thoughts and ideas that I haven’t even given a second of my time in years, but I caught myself giving them just that: my time. I know depression lies and for a moment, I caught myself listening to it. I caught myself sitting down and having a cup of coffee with it and hearing it out. Luckily, I remembered who I was talking to and I ran to my stronghold and shouted “LIAR!” from inside it’s walls; however I can still hear it knocking at the door from time to time.

Yeah, I have a therapist appointment on Saturday.

I just don’t want to get to the point where I feel that I need to go into an outpatient program again, or worse an inpatient program, and have to deal with that; however it maybe just what I need.

I guess that’s something that I will be talking to my therapist about on Saturday.

Until then, I guess I will just have to sit and wait.

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