A few people wonder why I have anxiety issues about going out places. My own mother told me that I “can’t live in fear” the other day when I tried explaining it to her. I try to make it to where people understand that when I go to places that have crowds, it feels like those scenes in movies where you see the main character walks in and for whatever reason everyone else stops and just stares at them. Except, the character is you. It feels like everyone has their eyes on you and they are just staring at you.
Then your brain just starts racing and every murmured conversation you hear is about you, every burst of laughter you hear are people laughing at you. Your breathing gets shallow, your heart feels like it’s going to beat out of your chest and you just want to get to some place away from all of these people, some place “safe” and woe be unto those who will get in your way. That’s what my anxiety feels like.
This coupled with the fact that every time I open my Twitter feed or go on Reddit I see that either the police are getting more and more violent. Also, not too long ago, killing atheists was being encouraged on Twitter and we had the largest mass shooting in our history.
So, no, I do not go out to eat and I have issues going grocery shopping ( or shopping in general) and I honestly cannot be around groups of people that I am not familiar with because my anxiety is so fucking off the charts.
I try to control this through breathing exercises, meditation, medication and rationalization; however there are times where those tools just do not work and I just need to be at home, on my couch, where it is safe. Even when I do summon the bravery (aka: take a clonazepam chased with a red bull) to be social, I still need the next day or two to be by myself and recharge.
I don’t know how to express it to the people that just don’t get it and think that I avoid them. I sometimes wonder if there are actually people in my group of friends that actually don’t get it and I am just worried that people think this and this is just my anxiety about my anxiety and how people do not understand my anxiety, which is pretty fucked up.
And that’s just my anxiety disorder.
If I tried to explain how it and the OCD and Bipolar disorder all interact in my head, your head would probably implode.
Yeah, like a fucking star.