Yesterday was a hard day. My wife and I had to say goodbye to our first dog.
We had Boo since before we were married. We actually stole her from my mother-in-law. She asked us to pet-sit her , and we just never returned her. She was our pride and joy for 15 years. She developed pancreatitis and this complicated an existing heart murmur. Fluid filled her lungs and enveloped her heart. She had trouble breathing, even on oxygen, and it was just better to let her go vs. watch her suffer.
It was the right thing to do, but it still sucked.
Boo was with us in the beginning of our marriage, when we lost our pregnancy, and all of our other adventures. There are countless stories about her and her eccentricities; however I am not going to share those today. I mainly just want to get my thoughts out because I have been a wreck since she passed. I have had thoughts of self harm, thoughts of harming others, and then feelings of complete depression and apathy. Too the point where I didn’t trust myself to drive up the road a bit to Taco Bell. I was either going to wreck the car or hurt someone, possibly both.
Like I said, it’s been a hard day.
Because my wife and I cannot have children, our pets are our kids. With that being said, I feel like I lost a child today. I am lost in depression and fighting to keep my head above water. I may need to enter into a PHP or IOP; however I don’t think I can because I would probably end up losing my job. Even if I went out on FMLA, our income would be greatly reduced. I am not sure that we can afford for me to do that; however I am not sure if we can afford for me not to get into a program. Right now all I can do is watch “The Office” and lay in bed.
Sorry, but right now Netflix therapy is all I have.
It’s actually all I can afford.