Xmas Morning

So, it has finally happened.

Remember that Closed Period that I was awarded from Social Security back in September of 2017? I finally got my first payment today! yep, it has finally fucking happened.

Why did it take so long?

Great question.

It seems that back in February, when they tried paying the money to my old bank account, The check wasn’t returned until 5 days after we had updated our payment info. So, the payment center was under the impression that the corrected info was the old info, since it was corrected before the check was returned. After that I re-filed a claim to get my monthly checks.  So, the calls I have made to the dozens of people since February have been confirming my payment info on the new claim, and not the old one that I had yet to be paid on. Until last week, when I called and got someone that actually figured things out instead of just getting me off the damn phone. So, the payment was re-issued, and it took a whole 2 days for me to see my money. So, I got my first payment today and I have 2 more to go.

Hopefully, I will get approved for my monthly payment and things will be smooth sailing from here.


The Cat and the Cradle or Some Bullshit like that.

Before I start this off, a little back story…

I have never met my father. He and my mother divorced shortly after I was born. My father was in jail and my mother had him sign away his parental rights. He visited once and all I will say about that visit is that he was kicked out by my mother and I never saw him again. I was 4 at the time, now I am 41. He apparently stalked me from afar through my teens and 20s, never telling me who he was.

Now, for the actual post.

My wife was at the food bank yesterday (Friday) and upon signing in was told that she was the 2nd Starkey to sign in. The greeter introduced my wife to an older man that also had the last name of Starkey. He sat by her and asked who her mother-in-law was. She said my mother’s name and it turns out that she was talking to my father. They talked for awhile and he gave her his phone number. Now after over 4 decades of my existence on this planet,   he wants to meet.

I am torn by what to do. I have lived my entire life not knowing or really caring about my father. So, why would I want to meet him now? Part of me is like “if it ain’t broke, don’t try and fix it”, but another part of me wonders “what this man is like?”. I am not looking to form a relationship with the guy. I would like to know of any serious health issues that reside on that part of my family. I would like to know his side of the story between him and my mom. At the same time, I really don’t want a relationship with him. I haven’t had him in my life , ever. So, why start now. I feel like an undiscovered tribe in the Amazon that has been discovered and is now having modern medicine and processed sugar introduced to it. Is it hurting or helping me to have my ecosystem changed by introducing this major change?

Besides, I think we are beyond the “let’s have a game of catch” years.

So, this is something that is going to take time to figure out. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. Meet him, don’t meet him, punch him in the face, it’s almost too much to deal with. I mean what do say? “Where the fuck have you been” seems to be an  appropriate way to start off the conversation. “Why now?” is a close second. What do I tell him about me? Do I be an open book, or play my cards close to my chest? I seriously don’t know what to do here. I am 41 and have never met my father and now the ball is in my court. I see myself holding this ball and just staring at it in confusion. Do I just drop it and walk away or do I run with it?

Seriously, what do I do?



I officially turned 41 about 18 days ago.

Yep, I am now IN my 40s instead of being just 40. So, to kick this off I started having chest pains about 2 weeks after my birthday. At first, I just thought that I had an air bubble or something and it would just go away. It bothered me all week, so that Saturday I made a doctor’s appointment.

That Monday I got a call from the doctor’s nurse and she tells me that she would talk to the doctor and call me back. She told me that she guarantees that he will tell me to go to the ER; however no one ever called me back. When I got to the appointment the next morning, I got an ear full from my doctor. Apparently, if you are having chest pains then you get your ass to the emergency room.

Who knew?

So, we go to the ER.  I get blood work done, an EKG, chest X-rays and the like. After 5 hours I was told that everything checks out & I just have “Atypical Chest Pains”.  After pondering what could have caused these, I come to the conclusion of stress. We had a big thing hit us the week that all of this started.

Let me tell you that story now.

On one particular Monday ,on which all of this started, my friend that lives with us got a call from CPS (Child Protective Services) about his daughter, who also lives with us, and that they were going to be at my house that Friday morning to investigate the claims made about his daughter.

Of course I go into full panic mode and start cleaning the house, with my down time spent on who the hell made the call. I was seething with rage because all the claims were out in out lies. So that entire week was spent in a panic to get the house cleaned up and enraged about the entire ordeal.

Friday comes and the investigator goes into details about the complaint. We provide evidence to the contrary and the investigator leaves satisfied that the claims were false. We all breathed a sigh of relief and got on with our lives. Now in an immaculately clean house, I might add.

So ,basically, someone overheard a conversation and took everything out of context and called CPS. This caused me a week long panic attack and lead to me thinking that my heart was giving out. Which is now a thing because I am in my 40s.

People are idiots.

A Slight Disappointment and the Cost of Living.

Most of you may know that I recently had a birthday. Yep, I am now in my 40’s and no longer just 40. So, shit is all downhill from here.

I try and treat my birthday as if it were any other day. That way there are no disappointments because “X” didn’t happen or no one got me “Y”. This year I backslid on that and actually had some expectations for my birthday.

Boy was that a mistake.

Mind you it wasn’t all bad. I got a good deal of people acknowledging my birthday and an awesome Cthulhu painting; however the one thing that I had asked for didn’t happen and the birthday money I had received went to buying dinner for me, my wife, and our two housemates. It was a slightly disappointing day. So I learned my lesson and will go back to having no expectations, thus no disappointments.

Speaking of my housemates…

So, the plan to move in with his girlfriend finally fell through. I had been waiting for that shoe to drop and it finally did. So, now he is planning to move back to the town that he regrets moving to in the first place.

Remember Einstein’s definition of insanity? Yep.

So now, his plan is to work himself to death & save up all his money in order to move back to where he started from. In almost 2 years of living here, he has saved up nothing and when he did come into money, he spent it on other stuff (mind you some of the things were legit) and didn’t save anything. Now he has until the end of April to get his shit together and get out. If he fucks around and doesn’t save up; then he will need to find a new place regardless of his finances.

I am done being nice.

So, so done.


I spoke too soon.

So, apparently, the 3 -5 business days was AFTER the 60 days that it takes to update my direct deposit information. Yep, it takes 2 months to update 2 lines on my profile with a string of about 10 numbers each. Gotta love loathe the federal government and their efficiency.

Not to mention that it took me 4 hours worth of phone calls to even get this information. You see, I called the National Social Security Office and (after an hour on hold) I was told that I needed to call the Local Social Security Office. Problem is that when you call the local office, they send all of their overflow to the national office. So, I just got sent back to where I came from.

Now all of my plans are now on hold until April 27th. And my Amazon basket is going to be full for quite some time. Sorry HUE Smart Lights, you are just going to have to wait. You too tank-less hot water heater and paid off vehicle. We will be together one day.

Probably around the end of April.


Remember that hearing that I had back in September of 2017?

Well, I have FINALLY got a check!

Yep, I got PAID!

Now, I get to re-file for disability all over with a judgment on file saying that I was previously disabled. So, hopefully, this go around will not take as long. If it does; then I will dig in and fight it out.

Now I get to go and research tankless water heaters.


Battle Royal

Yesterday was terrible.

I had plans to go to the store and run a few other errands; however those plans hit the skids. Apparently, my anxiety has made a new best friend out of my diabetes and yesterday was their first tag team match vs. my normal day activities.

If you have never read any of my posts (or have no idea who I am) then I should tell you that I have severe general anxiety disorder, along with bipolar disorder and OCD.

Yep, you are reading the blog of a crazy person.

So, my anxiety does it’s usual number and it was the typical battle of myself vs. the front door. Usually, I can calm myself and beat the door, but that day Anxiety brought it’s A Game. For almost 3 hours I stared at the front door of my house trying to gather the will to get up and go outside. To get shit done. Finally, I had summoned the will to go get groceries and run my errands and…

My sugar tanked.

So now the will was there, but my body was not able to get up and move. My sugar was low and I had to stop and eat a snack to get it back up. About 30 – 45 minutes later I had that under control and felt like I could move forward; however a new player had entered the tournament…


4 hours of my day had been stolen and now, I sat there feeling worthless, feeling broken, and feeling angry with myself. I called no joy and crawled into bed. I talked with my wife, and chanted my mantra “Depression Lies” (Thanks Wil Wheaton) and moved forward. I cooked dinner, and my day returned to as normal as it could be at that moment.

That night I came to terms with something. I will always have to fight. This is a war, not a battle. I have to fight not only my mental health issues, but now my physical health issues as well. It’s a war on many fronts, but one that can be won. I just have to fight. It sucks, but I have to do it. I have the tools, I have the support structure, and I have the drive to persevere. Because if I don’t fight; then like in a real combat situation I will die.

It’s brutal, but it’s the truth.

So today I got up, fixed a healthy breakfast, and ran my errands. I lost yesterday, but today I struck back and I won. I will lose again, but I always have to keep fighting,  celebrate my victories and learn from my loses.

That’s how wars are won.



Still Waiting.

This blows.

I know that the Federal Government moves at the speed of narcoleptic snails, but this is ridiculous. My disability hearing was almost a month ago, and I have yet to receive a letter stating how much that I am getting. Much less a check. I am about to refile for disability here in about a week and I still haven’t received anything from my first filing.

I hate waiting, BTW.

I am also waiting to be able to see a psychiatrist. I had my assessment the other day (and yes, I am still crazy). Apparently, despite the fact that I am seeing and hearing shit that isn’t there, I am rated on the lowest level of care with the county mental health facility; however a therapist will be coming to my house once every couple of weeks or so. That’s pretty damn cool; however I do not get to see an actual doctor for my meds for almost another month. That’s not very cool.

I am also waiting on my unemployment claim to be reviewed. Hopefully, I won’t be rejected and will get some cash coming in until my other checks drop. Again, just more waiting.

So, that’s what is going on with me at the moment. Just sitting here waiting for things to happen.

Maybe I should go clean up my house a bit.



Victory-Ish (With a bit of Catch-Up)

Yeah, yeah… I know I haven’t posted in a few months. I have been busy.

However, I thought that I would come back to you all with some good news.

My SSI hearing was on Wednesday Sept. 27th. I had planned to let go of all of the constant mental and cognitive acrobatics that  I perform to keep the resemblance of stability that probably everyone sees right through; however that wasn’t necessary. I was a W R E C K when I got to the Federal Building. My anxiety peaked, thoughts were racing through my head and I could only look at the ground the whole time.

We arrived REALLY early and sat in the lobby. Waiting for our lawyer to arrive. Once he arrived he had some fairly good news. The judge had already made the judgment of a “Closed period”. Because one of the doctors or therapists had made the note that I was improving, he said that I could take the closed period, but not the residual monthly check. Basically,  I would receive payment from the date that I filed in 2015 to the date that I got out of my last IOP (BTW, I went into another IOP during the time that I was away from here) which was around September 15th, 2017.  So, Y x 25.5 months = Closed Period Check (Y is the unnamed amount that I would have been paid monthly during the closed period). I was told that I could re-file at anytime and that I would have a stronger case this next go around and that it probably would not take as long. So, I will be refiling later this month.

I feel that this is a win. Simply because, now I am not worried about back pay. I already have that out of the way and I just have to focus on getting a monthly check. I was working a job at the time and that also hurt me a bit. I was working for a company called Teletech troubleshooting a very popular brand of computer peripherals venture into cloud-based security cameras. I quit just a few days ago because the management there was horrific. I mean, these people couldn’t have run a fast-food joint much less a help desk. I was asked to work off the clock, threatened with termination if their software didn’t perform correctly, told that they would make any extra time disappear if I went over my 20 hours of availability and just treated horribly. It was just ran terribly. So, now I won’t have that weighing me down during my next filing and I already have a SSI Judge stating that I was previously disabled. So, I am fairly optimistic about this next go around.

I also plan on keeping up with this more. Maybe not posting every day, but at least once a week.

See you soon!


A Small Decorative Box.

It’s been a shitty few days.

Yesterday, I feel that I took the first steps away fro the shit show that is depression.  I asked my wife to call the MHMR crisis line for my county. I spoke with a counselor over the phone, and they dispatched a “mobile crisis team” to my house. I met with two of their team and I am taking steps to get help. I am looking to enter into a PHP/IOP here in a few weeks.

They are also setting me up with a therapist and hopefully I will get along with them.

I started to perk up yesterday. I made it out of bed and actually cooked some food. I also went out into public to pick up some smokes and did OK. I felt like things were getting better…

Then today happened.

We received Boo’s ashes back and now we have a physical reminder of her loss. It’s sitting in our bedroom, staring us in the face. All of the pain that had started to wane came flooding back into me. It knocked me down, but not out. I am fighting today. I am fighting the urge to curl up in bed and watch “The Office” all day. I am fighting to actually eat real food and not just pop-tarts. I am fighting to stay active and not just shut down. I am fighting. I am making my way through this grief and trying to make it to shore; however it isn’t an easy task.

I miss her so much and it hurts.

Despite that she is gone, I know that I have to keep on living. I have to keep on fighting. I will make it to that shore, and I am going to be OK.

I may need some more coffee, though. This shit is rough.