Meanwhile…

So, I had a breakdown a couple of weeks ago. I was suicidal and just at an all time low. I was a failure, useless and all kinds of BS that my depression was telling me about me. Fortunately, I did not kill myself and got help. I am now in a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) and I am making some breakthroughs.

One of the breakthroughs I had was that I am not honest.

I don’t mean that everything I say is a falsehood, but I am not honest. Not with myself, my wife or my friends. I omit information from them. Like redacted text. I mark solid black lines through vital information that would not only help with my mental health, but make me a better person.

When people ask me “How are you” I answer with the socially acceptable “Fine and you?” to which that person answers with an also socially appropriate “Fine”. Both of the people in this example are lying. Truth is, most of the time I am not “fine”, I am hurting and need help, but I don’t want to be a burden to anyone . I don’t want my friends and family to worry. Well, that’s some shit that has to change and it boils down to one thing: trust.

I need to trust my wife and friends. I need to trust myself above all. If you can’t trust yourself, then you can’t trust others. This is a work in progress, but one I want to be accountable for. Being honest means being vulnerable and that is something I am not good at, but I am working on it.

I am working on a lot of things and I will probably need some help.

Third Time’s the Charm.

I have sat down twice to write about my dad’s viewing/funeral. Everything felt forced and I just wanted to get everything out for some closure. But, that’s the thing, I don’t have closure to write about. I don’t get to see him anymore or talk to him anymore. All I have are “third-party” accounts and stories of my dad. Are they embellished? Are they more opinion then fact? I guess I just have to trust the story teller. I mean what choice do I have?

Before we get to Saturday (the day of the viewing May 1st 2021) I feel like I should talk about my therapist appointment the day before my father’s viewing. Basically, I poured my heart out and voiced all of my feelings to my therapist. Her answer: all of this is normal. Your depression is really sadness that you are feeling from the loss of your dad. The anger is normal, too. Which I agree with , but at the time I just wanted some bit of psychology that would make it all go away. I know now that was an unrealistic; however at the time I believed she was just holding out. It wasn’t until now as I am writing this that I understand this.

Saturday was rough. I woke up in a funk. I knew what that day had in store for me. I wasn’t able didn’t want to face it. We left for the viewing at about 5pm-ish. The car ride to the next town over was excruciating. My anxiety and emotions were all over the place. We arrived and there were tons of people there. I felt under dressed (Wookie t-shirt and jeans) but then I saw that other people there dressed the same (Sans wookie shirt of course) and calmed down a little. I said hello to my new uncles and new aunt and made my way to the casket.

Dad looked good. Especially compared to what he looked like in the hospital! The funeral home did an excellent job. I had already said my goodbyes , but I said them again. Cue anxiety attack! I had to get out of there. I had to get that damn mask off my face. I needed a cigarette. I needed to be by myself for five fucking minutes. One cigarette, and some breathing exercises later, I was ready for round two. I came back in and found a seat. That’s when people started coming up to me and introducing themselves. I had cousins and aunts and step-siblings coming up to me saying hello. Then they started saying the thing I had heard my whole life: “You look so much like your dad”. Let me tell you, I totally do. There was a slide show memorial with pictures of him as a child and young adult and it was like looking into a mirror!

I didn’t make it much longer. People kept asking me to take off my mask so they could see my whole face. I started having another anxiety attack. So, I told my wife that I was done and wanted to leave. I was in a room full of strangers and they were all “family”. I said my goodbyes to my uncles, aunts and my dad’s wife. Took one more look at Dad and left. I had regrets for not staying longer, but I had all that could stand. Got home, and went to bed. I was done for the day.

I am not sure if I will keep in touch with all the family that I met, but I exchanged numbers with my aunts and uncles. Maybe I will shoot them a text from time to time, but that’s about it. Maybe time will bring us all closer together.

We will just have to wait and see.

Sleepless Over Office Supplies

Here I am. Sitting at my computer at 1:25am having a panic attack.

Why? What’s wrong?

I am terrified of putting on a red shirt tomorrow.

I started work for… well let’s just say a large office supply retailer that is named after an actual office supply… and I have yet to complete a full shift. Tuesday I made it for a whopping 3 & 1/2 hours before the people and the openness started getting to me. I can’t handle it. Even after taking yesterday off, I am still in a sense of complete dread about going to work tomorrow. I have tried all day to put everything out of my head, but here I am. I was in bed, watching Fawlty Towers, waiting for my medication to kick in. I got sleepy for a few moments; however the dread has counteracted my pills. I tried forcing myself to go to sleep; however that obviously hasn’t worked.

I actually have sealed myself up in my geek-lair with the oil diffuser cranked with a clove & cinnamon mix and some incense burning. I am hoping that these sweet aromas will help me calm down and possibly get some sleep.

I am not holding my breath.

I am just terrified of going to that place tomorrow. I actually have a good notion to type up a resignation letter; however I am stuck on the male notion that I am just being a giant pussy and I know that is false logic. I have walked around this house anxiety-ridden and depressed for almost two days now and I am not sure that overcoming a (hopefully) temp job in retail is going to make me better. I still have my 2nd job and a few good prospects that have popped up lately. Honestly, I believe that this job is taking up time that could be put to better use by looking for another job and also polishing up on my Excel and Word skills.

I just don’t want to put on that damn red shirt.

 

Back on Drugs.

Good News! I am seeing a psychiatrist and getting back on my meds and having a few changes done to my typical regiment. I am no longer on “rescue” anxiety meds but on a medication that is supposed to control my anxiety throughout the day. I am getting back on one of my mood stabilizers and I have a sleep-aid again. Soon I will be on my other mood stabilizer and things should be back to what I consider “normal”.

Bad News.I went from a “great” two or three week manic episode to hitting a brick fucking wall. I have been unstable (mood-wise), groggy, and just plain feeling like shit. Imagine drinking a lot of coffee or Red Bull and getting in your car to start going at 100 MPH (161 KPH) and suddenly just slamming on the brakes while downing a bottle of NyQuil. You skid, spin and flip the car multiple times while being extremely tired and sleepy. That’s as best that I can describe it.

Other than saying that it SUCKS BALLS!

The new anxiety medication makes me dream; which is something that I do not normally do. And not just dreams, but odd ones. Dreams that you wake up from and are questioning the fundamentals of life as you know it. Some I remember, some I do not, other than one word or scene from the dream sticking in my mind. I have had dreams about:

Lithuanian Fruit Bats.

Being in a shopping mall that is also a hospital, and a spaceship.

Being in a large building that changes/rearranges rooms & floors because it is alive.

My mother being a professional “Rascal” racer.

Being attacked by sharks.

Being in the soap opera “General Hospital” and knowing that it is a TV show.

If this keeps up I may start keeping a dream journal, just because drug induced dreams can be hilarious…except when they involve sharks. Fuck that and fuck sharks.

The shitty thing is that I have been getting easily annoyed and even filled with rage over nothing. Literally nothing. Like I will just be sitting there and suddenly I feel anger to a level that just makes me want to break shit. I have also been having a lot of “fight” anxiety attacks that have left me with just a feeling of rage and anger that I honestly do not like. I have been experiencing a lot of spontaneous laughter as well. It’s like someone else has the remote control to my brain and is just randomly switching through channels.

And this is only the first week.

Eventually I will be back on my medication at full dosage and things will be all good; however I can’t say that I didn’t enjoy being off of them and just being “crazy” for awhile. It felt amazing. Which reminded me of the real danger of being bipolar. You feel AMAZING when you are just hypomanic. You can do anything, and you have all of the energy and joy in the world. That is, until you hit a depressive episode and then the world is a vile place and just shitty or you have a full-blown manic episode and end up hurting yourself or getting into real trouble (like the kind that involves handcuffs and a taser) because you had “a great idea” that you just had to do at that moment.

Although I hate this feeling that I get when I have to get back on my medication, I know it’s good for me. I know what it feels like to be stable and even though being stable is “boring” it is also safe.

Safe is always a great place to be.

 

 

Denied: The Sequel.

So, I received my 2nd denial letter from The Social Security Administration on Friday. Despite evidence of my mental health degrading, a personal letter from my therapist, and a 3rd party account of my condition, I am still considered “fit for work” and can be “retrained in another field” due to my young age. Now, my option is a hearing before a judge.

The issue with that is the hearing wouldn’t happen for about another year.

I have already been through hell this year with trying to get this done. We are now at an all time low. Something is going to have to change. If I continue with my disability claim it may ruin us. If I go back to work, it may just break me. So, either way I am screwed. Right now I am just stuck at a crossroads and I don’t know where to go.

If I believed in the devil, I would probably sell my soul right about now.

So, I have to make a decision. I have to either keep fighting a system that is supposed to help me or I have to bend and find something to do that won’t break me.

Thankfully I have a therapist appointment this Saturday.

Treading Water.

Where did I leave off?

Oh yeah, my life is circling the drain, that’s right. How silly of me.

Yet, I continue to swim against the current.

I am still waiting on any word from my appeal from my disability and honestly I am on the verge of giving up ( which is what they want, but whatever) because we can no longer afford to wait for that ship to come in.

We have applied for foodstamps and we are hoping that we get approved so we can stop relying on the handouts from the foodbank because they obviously do not understand what a diabetic is so half of the food we get is complete crap like cakes and snack foods. I fought too damn hard to get my A1C down to a 5.0 and get off the diabetic meds and I don’t plan on going back on them.

The GoFundMe campaign that I set up is turning out to be an epic fail because in two weeks time it has gathered only 20 views and no donations. So, I am chalking that up as me putting my faith in humanity like an idiot and expecting something. Also, I still haven’t sold that goddamn table.

Yet, I continue to swim against the current.

why?

Because my wife is doing better. We have (some) food in the house. We have friends that love us and I know that would help us if they could (and some do what they can). Plus, I know if I stop swimming against the current then I will drown. Its that simple.

I don’t want to drown.

 

 

Frustration.

I’m not sleeping very well.

My wife is still in a lot of pain and can’t get around well. Money is tight and everything that I try to do to get something going to generate funds just doesn’t seem to be working. Apparently nobody wants the fucking table that I am trying to sell, and what faith I had in humanity is dwindling by the day.

So, I guess maybe my anxiety is up and depression is getting the better of me.

I just need something to give. I need something to just go my fucking way. That’s all I really need at this point is a win. I just need one win to get the wind back in my sails so that I can keep on going.

Because right now I am in the doldrums.

If not sinking.

 

 

An Ongoing Issue.

I know that I have posted on this subject before and I will keep posting about it because, well this is my blog and I can.

The level of police violence in the U.S. is at a level has been on an increase. It has increased 25% between 1999 and 2008 and I am willing to bet that the number is even higher now. While between 1960 and 2014 our population has almost doubled and crime has been trending down. It seems that the population is getting larger and more civil, while the police, recently, have been getting more violent.

Why?

I had a good discussion with a nurse during one of my wife’s ER visits and he put something into perspective. I mentioned that police had changed in the past 25-30 years and I couldn’t figure out why. He finally gave me the missing piece of the puzzle that I had looked at but didn’t want to acknowledge. A lot of police today are ex-military. He told me that he was a vet and that he almost went into law-enforcement; however he became an RN instead because he had seen enough combat. He talked about that the training that the military provides and that the police training that a lot of vets receive probably doesn’t mesh. In the military, you pull out a gun to kill an enemy. In the police force you use it to enforce compliance. Sometimes, that may get a bit confusing for some vets.

My question is: “When did a gun become a compliance tool?”

When I was growing up, I was always told by the cops at the PD where my mom was an officer that their gun was a last resort. You only pulled it if your life was in danger and you were about to use it. You didn’t pull it to make a point or show dominance.

With this latest shooting of a therapist laying in a submissive position in the middle of the street and now the Dade County Police Benevolent Association explanation of the shooting as “The officer had intended to shoot the patient, whom he thought posed a danger” (Because apparently an autistic man with a toy truck is a menace to society), I have started wondering about this issue again.

So, I started doing some digging and I found that unemployment amongst returning veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan is 7.7% and out of those returning vets, the majority go into the police force because it is viewed as “a marriage of convenience”.  In 2014, the Army alone proposed to cut 80,000 soldiers from its ranks over the next 4 years.  Generally about 20% of returning vets go into law-enforcement. So, that’s 16,000 soldiers going into law-enforcement over the next four years from just the Army. The market is currently flooded with ex-military personnel looking for work and the police force is looking to hire them.

There’s only one problem with this. (source)

Combat veterans seeking police careers may do poorly on entrance exams, they may lack confidence in their skill sets, or they may have had some post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms that come out in psychological screenings. Any of these issues can keep returning military personnel from a police job, but all can be remedied. More importantly, there are people and programs in and out of the military that can help.

A lot of vets come home with issues that they need to work through. PTSD is a major mental health issue that affects a large percentage of returning veterans and takes medication and therapy that a lot of vets don’t get or just they only rely on the medication because they believe that the therapy aspect is unneeded or they fear that they will lose some of their rights (mainly gun ownership) if their condition is on record.

…not every veteran returning home from military service has PTSD. Some studies suggest that it affects between 10% and 20% of veterans returning from active duty. …that PTSD is becoming more diagnosed in police officers and some departments are getting the message that the condition doesn’t mean they have to throw away the officer or the officer candidate.

There is evidence that police departments are understanding PTSD better these days, not only in their own ranks, but in the pool of prospective candidates. A recent study conducted by the Naval Center for Combat and Operational Stress Control examined law enforcement agencies’ hiring practices regarding PTSD. The study found that a PTSD diagnosis is not necessarily a disqualifier for a police job. Most agencies studied reported that every candidate is evaluated on a case-by-case basis and it depends on the severity of the diagnosis whether PTSD is a disqualifier.

While I agree that PTSD may not be a disqualifier and should be done on a case – by- case basis, the issue is that PTSD leads to other issues such as depression, substance abuse, problems of memory, cognition and even other mental health issues. So, if this candidate is getting treatment, on proper medication and this is all being monitored by the agency that they are working for, then I don’t see an issue; however when I looked for this study done mentioned that was done by the Naval Center for Combat and Operational Stress Control, I couldn’t find it. I did find these two:

http://www.med.navy.mil/sites/nmcsd/nccosc/healthProfessionalsV2/researchQuarterly/Documents/winter2014ResearchQuarterly.pdf

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4010956/

Both studies stress that mental health assistance such as medication and therapy in either a one-on-one or group setting is key to treating PTSD and overcoming its effects on the person’s life  & mental well-being.

Now, the majority of these viewpoints were from the law-enforcement community’s side of things. I dug to see what the military and veteran’s take on this was and I was actually surprised by some of what I found.

The gist of what I read was that even though there is a huge comfort level for vets in law-enforcement and many veterans feel that law enforcement is a natural fit, some former service members resent being typecast. Others say the profession is the least suitable career choice for veterans who are still working out emotional issues from deployments. And some veterans only consider a career in law enforcement because they consider it one of the few viable options in a challenging job market. (source)

“I could see how somebody would think that would be an easy transition,” he said at a recent jobs fair at the Concord Hilton. “It’s familiar. I work with guns, I know how to use them, why not get a job that uses the same equipment? But I’ve spoken with vets. And, myself, I think I’ve experienced enough of that, so I wouldn’t want to relive that type of experience.”

“A lot of them get out, they’re intelligent, they use the G.I. Bill to get a degree,” he said. “It’s like, ‘I can do more than pull a trigger.'”

Army veteran Mike Magpusao – Project Hired

What I am seeing between these two articles, the conversation that I have with the ex-vet nurse, and the current events in our country is that our police departments are changing their hiring processes. They are hiring tons of ex-soldiers that are used to dealing with a combative enemy and now trying to train them to deal with a civilian population. We are taking Rangers, SEALS and Marines and asking them to write traffic tickets. This is vastly different from the hiring processes of about 20+ years ago.

A generation or so ago in policing, departments were giving preference to college graduates when looking for qualified officer candidates. Education still remains an important factor for police hiring, but many agencies have learned that the education gained in military service may have a greater value to a police officer than a formal college education.

The soldier has led a squad from point A to point B and had to decide the safest way to get there. The college student has had to complete a class assignment in time to attend a frat party on Friday night. Some departments have recognized this and taken a more global approach to the candidate’s qualifications to be a police officer.

We used to take educated civilians and train them to become police officers. Now we take high school or some college educated ex-military personnel and try to give them additional training to handle a civilian population. Mind you, I am not against hiring veterans, but maybe we should start the old hiring process as well and find a healthy mix. Both for the civilian population and the veterans that are returning from combat.

“You’re going to continue to expose yourself to violence, tension, stress, anxiety. You come back and become a police officer, the potential for retraumatizing is very high.”

– Jason Deitch – Army Ranger who served multiple deployments to Africa and the Middle East.

There is no logical link between the two professions, and he urges caution.

Veterans come home and then go into a career that puts them into almost the same level of anxiety that they just left and in my opinion, law-enforcement agencies are preying on the fact that these men and women are returning home and pushing them towards a career that does feel familiar and that they feel that they can excel in quickly, but will ultimately lead them to the same levels of stress that they just left and cause nothing but harm to themselves or someone else.

The International Association of Chiefs of Police was concerned enough about “transitional obstacles” veterans might face if they pursued a career in law enforcement that three years ago it published guidebooks for veterans and any agencies that might consider hiring them.
But those concerns didn’t stop Community Oriented Policing Services (COPS), an office of the Department of Justice, from offering 220 cities $114.6 million in incentive grants to hire post-9/11 veterans to fill 800 law enforcement positions.

With programs like these and the dumping of surplus military equipment into our police agencies hands, it’s no wonder why see small town police departments with APVs and grenade launchers and the people who know how to use them. Our police are becoming a domestic army, a garrison in each town. Not because of some crazy conspiracy involving taking away our guns, Walmart concentration camps for christans, or the illuminati, but because law-enforcement is hiring out of work vets in droves. With incentives and a pension, why wouldn’t you sign up?

streamlining or fast-tracking your applications
waiving education requirements
adding preference points to exam scores
offering incentive pay
offering service credit toward retirement

So, who’s to blame?

Well, not the vets. They need to work just like everyone. You could look at the predatory hiring processes of the law-enforcement agencies around the country and the DOJ for enabling and/or encouraging these processes to continue. You could take a look at the demand that we put on our law-enforcement officers and see that we really put too much on them. There’s a lot of different directions to point fingers. I don’t even know where to start.

I just know that all of this shit needs to stop.

 

It’s Kind Of Like…

A few people wonder why I have anxiety issues about going out places. My own mother told me that I “can’t live in fear” the other day when I tried explaining it to her. I try to make it to where people understand that when I go to places that have crowds, it feels like those scenes in movies where you see the main character walks in and for whatever reason everyone else stops and just stares at them. Except, the character is you. It feels like everyone has their eyes on you and they are just staring at you.

1455032223_88_12-Tricks-All-Horror-Movies-Use-To-Scare-You

Then your brain just starts racing and every murmured conversation you hear is about you, every burst of laughter you hear are people laughing at you. Your breathing gets shallow, your heart feels like it’s going to beat out of your chest and you just want to get to some place away from all of these people, some place “safe” and woe be unto those who will get in your way. That’s what my anxiety feels like.

This coupled with the fact that every time I open my Twitter feed or go on Reddit I see that either the police are getting more and more violent.  Also, not too long ago, killing atheists was being encouraged on Twitter and we had the largest mass shooting in our history.

So, no, I do not go out to eat and I have issues going grocery shopping ( or shopping in general) and I honestly cannot be around groups of people that I am not familiar with because my anxiety is so fucking off the charts.

I try to control this through breathing exercises, meditation, medication and rationalization; however there are times where those tools just do not work and I just need to be at home, on my couch, where it is safe. Even when I do summon the bravery (aka: take a clonazepam chased with a red bull) to be social, I still need the next day or two to be by myself and recharge.

I don’t know how to express it to the people that just don’t get it and think that I avoid them. I sometimes wonder if there are actually people in my group of friends that actually don’t get it and I am just worried that people think this and this is just my anxiety about my anxiety and how people do not understand my anxiety, which is pretty fucked up.

And that’s just my anxiety disorder.

If I tried to explain how it and the OCD and Bipolar disorder all interact in my head, your head would probably implode.

Yeah, like a fucking star.

Crazy shit.

 

Hell is:

Sitting and waiting.

These are two things that I hate fucking doing.

I spoke with my case worker today and the short and long of it is, more than likely all of the past hospitalizations that I had and all of my previous doctors and therapists are not going to be looked at because more than likely they have not kept records and the Social Security Administration is looking at current information only.

So, I updated the caseworker on my latest information and we are filing an appeal. More sitting and more waiting.

At this point, I feel myself just breaking inside. I have entertained thoughts and ideas that I haven’t even given a second of my time in years, but I caught myself giving them just that: my time. I know depression lies and for a moment, I caught myself listening to it. I caught myself sitting down and having a cup of coffee with it and hearing it out. Luckily, I remembered who I was talking to and I ran to my stronghold and shouted “LIAR!” from inside it’s walls; however I can still hear it knocking at the door from time to time.

Yeah, I have a therapist appointment on Saturday.

I just don’t want to get to the point where I feel that I need to go into an outpatient program again, or worse an inpatient program, and have to deal with that; however it maybe just what I need.

I guess that’s something that I will be talking to my therapist about on Saturday.

Until then, I guess I will just have to sit and wait.